Listening vs Listening

You know, Peter brought up a very good point tonight, as I was putting him to bed - that I'm always worried about people not listening to me, and yet I seem in fact to have a hard time listening to other people. This came up in the context of me calling Dr. O'Connell tomorrow for an appointment. I said that I was really hoping that he'd be someone who would really listen to me about what I need out of medication, and Peter interjected with "well, just remember that you need to listen to him, as well". I think I can safely say that I had never really thought about that before. I'm always so concerned that someone isn't listening to me that frequently I realize that, in fact, I haven't been listening to them. I feel that I have a reasonable reasoning behind wanting a second opinion on stuff, due to all the weird stuff surrounding Mrs. Fox, but at the same time, I think that I need to talk to myself a little bit about just how far I want to take that. If I keep hearing the same thing over and over from people, how many times do I have to be told it before I actually listen to it. I guess it's somewhat related to my issues with trust, in that I have a hard time trusting people with what is essentially my life, or at least my mental well-being. Similarly, I don't seem to trust the idea that someone can actually understand how I feel or what I mean when I'm talking to them. So much of the time I simply feel like I must be speaking another language, because people seem to frequently misinterpret what I say.

It's hard for me to relate to other people, somewhat because of this. I'm a good listener, and I give good advice, because I have an excellent memory for conversations and situations, so I can access that little library of experience (mine or listened to) in the back of my mind and spit out the correct advice for the time, but I really don't feel like it's coming from me, much of the time. I've been told by dozens of people throughout my life that I'm a "really good listener" and that I "make a great interim therapist", but what I don't think anyone really realizes is that I don't really feel attached to any of the advice I give, etc. I know I give good advice, but to me I really feel like a specialized, humanized form of google, spitting out what is best for that situation with that person at that time - it doesn't really feel like it comes from me. I 'listen' to people, and spit back advice, but I don't really listen to them.

I really need to start listening more. Well, I need to start doing a lot of things more, like believing what people say, but hey, listening more is at least a start.

Speaking of changing my behavior, once I find a therapist, or even before I do, I need to talk to someone, perhaps Liza, about the differences between CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), and which might work better for me. In reading up on them, it seems like DBT may be better, since CBT doesn't really deal with emotions much (which are my problem) and DBT does. I need to change some of my thought patterns as well, but it seems that DBT integrates that as well. Then again, CBT may in fact be better - this is definitely an area I need external advice on. Again, with the listening...