Breakdowns

So having a breakdown in the middle of a busy street in downtown Boston this weekend has convinced me that my problems are really more serious than I had previously believed.

::sigh::

It's true...

Why is it that all people seem to do, with a few rare exceptions, is make fun of my attempts to improve myself?

It's not very encouraging.

::sigh::

I'm feeling rather unmotivated today, for some reason. I don't feel like doing anything, but I also feel like I should be doing something. I pretty much woke up this way. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but the temptation of talking to Peter over the shower stall walls made me get up, though once that was over with, I just wanted to lay around. I feel very stereotypically depressed today, and that bothers me, because I don't often feel like this. The only thing I can think of that could possibly have triggered this is the stress I was under last night. I don't have any leftover stress or anything, but the emotional stuff could have simply set off the other chemicals in my little brain, and that's why I'm feeling like this. I really hate feeling like this, not only because it's simply unpleasant, but also because I associate feeling like this with highschool, a period of my life that I don't really care to be reminded of too much.

I had a small explosion last night at Peter, something which bothers me. I've been having more of them lately, in the last month or so, than I have in a long time, and that worries me. The first was when Peter was unknowingly antagonizing me (we were arguing over something inane) and the second was last night. I was upset at the other interns for being the lazy bums they often are, for taking advantage of someone they know to be too nice to turn them down, and at Peter for letting them take advantage of him. I know that he's allowed to make his own decisions about these things, but sometimes I think that his desire to be the nice one and to please people can often be exploited to where things aren't actually entirely his own decision, and that just kills me. I hate seeing him be taken advantage of, and it really incites the extremely caring and protective urges in me, to the point where I literally start shaking when I see someone being needlessly taken advantage of. This happened last night, and I was literally having a slight overall tremor and pretty bad hand tremors (I couldn't even type), and was a little upset at Peter because he seemed to be refusing my attempts to help his situation. Not wanting him to see my physical reactions to things (I was literally having trouble standing up well), I went over and sat down on the bed. It was, unfortunately, at that moment that he chose to ask me to come help him revise his Div 2 contract. I said that no, I didn't want to deal with it at that particular point, and he pressed me until I slammed my fists down into the mattress and yelled "No!" quite loudly, as well as causing my arms to shake so badly I had to clutch the blanket to stop them from being completely obvious. I was upset at him for basically asking me to put myself in a situation I was very uncomfortable with, at the interns for indirectly putting me in such a state that I was uncomfortable doing anything but sitting down, and at myself for being what I consider to be on the verge of out of control. I was very angry at myself for letting that all show in what I consider to be an extremely childish manner. After a few minutes of hugging my blanket to my chest, I finally felt capable of standing up, and went over to help Peter, hiding away, for the most part, the fact that I was still relatively upset. Not a very healthy thing to do, but what had to be done, I felt, at that point.

Anyway. Yeah, I just don't feel like I've been doing too well over the last couple days.