Just ignore me, it's better.

So I've been feeling lately like I'm being/have been a shitty girlfriend. Maybe it's Peter's actions/behaviors/etc that are making me feel that way, but I really don't feel that's the case.

I'm too clingy - I literally hang off of Peter like some velcro-covered stuffed animal.
I'm dumb, or I act dumb - I'm not sure if this is actually the case or not, but sometimes I really feel it is. I already have low enough self-esteem, but being around someone who is very intellectual like Peter really can make me feel like an idiot sometimes.
I never do anything - I sit in his room, on his bed, on my computer about 85% of the time I'm around him.
I'm immature - I am just recently realizing this.

I often feel like such an embarrassment to Peter that I really just want to leave the room when he has friends over. I feel like a stupid, shallow, defective girl that he has to apologize for. Hell, I wouldn't want to be around me, or have to deal with me around friends. I just feel like I want to curl into a ball and disappear so that no one will have to put up with me.

Sorry for the angsting, but I've felt like this for quite some time, but never said anything because I didn't want to sound exactly like the pathetically whiny bitch I actually am.



Oh, and I had a rather interesting revelation today in therapy about how there's a pretty decent chance that my parents are actually responsible for a good deal of my fucked-up-ness.

Nothing like knowing that people you love helped to make you someone you can't stand.

I always admired atheists. I think it takes a lot of faith.

end quote

Bleh

So my mom is here until Tuesday lunchtime.

I forget how much this really disrupts things. It's nice that she's here, but it can wreak havoc on my mental state.

I wish there were some way to hammer into my mom's head that you can't just recover from something as severe as OCD, or bipolar, or borderline (all three of which I have been preliminarily diagnosed as) in the space of a year, especially without medication. She thinks that the "dumb blonde" side effect of Topomax is a "severe side effect". Man, I wonder what she'd think if I told her about the possible tardive dyskenesia side effect of Risperdal!

::sigh::

She knows I need help, she just, at the same time, seems resistant to me actually getting the kind of help I need, because it's a reminder to her that there's something "wrong" with me.

Conversation

(5:02:03) me: You going to dinner soon-ish?
(5:04:24) Peter: Yeah
(5:04:30) Peter: Why do you feel more lonely?
(5:05:02) me: I dunno.
(5:07:05) me: Well, I guess it's because I feel very left out in groups, and so being around people more often tends to remind me of it more often
(5:07:34) me: I always feel like everyone talks over and around me, but very rarely to me.
(5:07:59) me: And when I try to interject with something, it's either ignored or it kills the conversation.
(5:09:23) Peter: Yeah
(5:10:12) me: When there are people over in Kate's room or your room, I feel much more like a piece of furniture or something similar, than an actual participant.
(5:10:41) me: Like I'm meant to stand there and answer when spoken to, but not actually say anything of my own.
(5:16:43) Peter: Yeah...
(5:17:20) Peter: Do you think some of this has to do with your feelings on groups and social awkwardness?
(5:17:48) me: Yeah, in some ways. I feel it's related, but doesn't necessarily stem from it.
(5:18:26) me: For instance, I tend to have two reactions to being in groups - fear or anger. This kind of stuff tends to provoke anger more than awkwardness or fear.
(5:18:54) me: Like, I feel awkward, but I feel awkward because I feel I'm being slighted, which then makes me angry.
(5:19:30) Peter: Dinner
(5:19:34) me: The only time I actually get scared around groups is when it's groups of new people who I will see again at a later date (I have no problem with one-time interactions with people).
(5:19:35) Peter: Let's talk about this more later
(5:19:38) me: okie dokie